No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
