They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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