she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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