I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Randomize
