At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Randomize
