Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
There are leaves in my underwear?
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
