Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize