I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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