im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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