my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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