I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
me + whiskey = a bad person
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
