You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
