i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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