Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
