Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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