Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
