It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
