this beer tastes like vomit already
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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