I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Randomize