Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Randomize
