Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
