You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
