Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
