new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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