I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
