her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
