Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
