Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
