i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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