they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
