It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize
