i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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