u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
