Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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