if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
