Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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