you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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