Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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