I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
