I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
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