yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
