girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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