I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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