I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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