I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
