I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
