I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
