I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
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