if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize