i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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