i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
