turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I need to wash the frat house off of me
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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