You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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