I got her a Nickelback box set.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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