I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
