is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
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