there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
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