You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
