I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Enjoy the penises
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
