Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
