her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
